


where do babies come from? (or the talk no parent ever looks forward to)

by theactualdemogorgon



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, also mentions to the rest of the 99 babies, can’t get enough of parents!peraltiago, he’s adorbs, he’s v stubborn, i just really love peraltiago okay, jake and amy are not ready to have the talk with their kid, literally just a lot of family fluff, oc also happens to be peraltiago’s kid, they’re all just a big fam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 00:16:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17011875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theactualdemogorgon/pseuds/theactualdemogorgon
Summary: “So that’s how he had ended up here on the living room floor, questioning his now very terrorized parents about the origins of babies.“Uhhhhh– what was that again bud?” Jake asked eventually, more to buy Amy some time to snap out of her shock than anything, really.“Where do babies come from?” The five year old asked again, now with an interrogative eyebrow raise.“In which Jake and Amy’s son is every bit a cop as his parents are, but there is one case he can’t quite solve on his own.





	where do babies come from? (or the talk no parent ever looks forward to)

**—**

“Where do babies come from?”

 

The question froze Jake and Amy in the spot.

 

Up until that moment, their day had been going _great_ , thank you very much. It was Sunday, and Sunday was the Santiago-Peralta’s favorite day of the week. Here’s why: there was no school. Why was that so good, you may ask? Well, it not only meant that Raphael Santiago-Peralta could hang out at home in his Ninja Turtles pajamas _all day long_ , it also meant that Jake and Amy Santiago-Peralta did not have to stress about dragging him out of bed because let’s face it, that little boy had inherited his father’s sleeping habits and as such he practically _hibernated_ every single night. But it wasn’t just the no school thing. Over the course of his five years of existence, Raphael had gathered enough information about his parents’ job to know that they almost _never_ were called to cover a shift on a Sunday. He had only seen it happen once. Every once in a while one of them was needed on a Saturday, but Sundays? Not unless there was a big emergency going on, like an alien attack in New York City. ( _It could happen, alright? But then again, he highly doubted his parents would be the first line of defense, unless the Avengers happened to be unavailable at the occasion_ ). Either way, Sunday was the one day of the week that he was sure he could have his parents _all for himself_. He loved it.

 

So, long-story-short, Sundays were great. And that particular one had started great too, with Raphael sleeping late enough to give Jake and Amy plenty of time for a quick but very romantic morning _frickle-frackle_ ( _Jake had to get creative with the terms after a little incident with their toddler yelling “SEX” on full lung force at the Santiago family charades a couple years back and Amy banished the word altogether_ ) before their child-shaped energy ball came bursting into their room holding a Nerf gun and yelling in a feign Russian accent. The game eventually escalated, with Jake being made hostage and Amy saving the day by throwing mob leader Dimitri Karkaroff ( _Raph always let Jake name **all** of his characters_) off guard with a tickle attack that ended up in giggles.

 

Somehow, the three of them had ended up on the living room floor surrounded by mugs of hot chocolate and plates of pancakes as they tried to assemble a _Die Hard_ puzzle Amy had gotten online for Jake a couple months prior (it was always easier to get him to engage on certain activities if _Die Hard_ was involved somehow). At some point, however, their very talkative son had gone oddly quiet and they could practically see engines working on his brain before he blurted out that question, staring at them with quizzical brown eyes as he innocently batted his eyelashes.

 

Honestly, Amy was surprised it had taken Raphael _that_ long to ask about babies. Being half-Santiago, the little boy was extremely clever and inquisitive, never satisfied with the extent of his knowledge and always wanting to learn a bit more. Plus, with his parents being who they were, the five year old had the mind of a detective. Raph was incredibly deductive and determined, seeing every challenge as a new case and working them exhaustively the same way Jake and Amy did at the precinct.

 

But in Raphael’s defense, _babies_ hadn’t really been an interesting topic up until a short while ago when his parents had excitedly announced that in only a matter of months he would become a big brother to the newest Santiago-Peralta, still very comfortably nestled in Amy’s _tumtum_ , as Raph himself had proudly announced to anyone who cared to hear it. So of course he had started his own investigation, primarily to find out whether Amy had _eaten_ his baby sibling or not. ( _Turns out she hadn’t, as Raphael found out after asking the greatest food expert he knew: uncle Charles_ ). But even if his mom hadn’t eaten it, the baby had still ended up inside her _somehow_ , so it was an open case still. Detective Raph Santiago-Peralta ( _codename Han Solo_ ) quickly decided that his best shot were _definitely_ not the adults, as they seemed to shiver at the mere thought of that question ( _he figured that much from uncle Terry’s little panicked screech when he asked him about it_ ). Of course he tried asking uncle Ray and uncle Kevin, but their only response was a series of intricate words of which “ _intercourse_ ” was the only one that really stuck to his brain, and when he asked his pre-school teacher what it meant she simply stared at him in horror and said it was a _no-no word_.

So Raphael ended up back in stage one, and he decided to try his luck with Cagney and Lacey instead, because they weren’t boring adults with boring rules or forbidden words. But once again he hit a wall, because the twins merely told him he was still _too young_ to know that and suggested he asked his parents about it when he was a bit older. Ava was no success either, as she was also being kept in the dark still— “ _But let me know if you learn anything._ ” she had asked him, and he gave her a thumbs up because they had already thoroughly planned their future as partners in the NYPD, just like whenever his dad teamed up with hers on a case. He honest to god didn’t even _try_ asking Nikolaj about it, because as much as he loved his friend ( _and he did, because his godfather’s son was like a big brother to him and they were absolutely inseparable_ ) he was scared of the type of answer he might get. Nikolaj _was_ a Boyle, after all. So he ended up with only one last resource, not because he trusted her the least ( _she happened to be one of his bests friends_ ) but because sometimes she acted so much like her mother it _seriously_ freaked him out. Still, there he was on the phone with Iggy as he took advantage of his mom’s temporary distraction while _Jeopardy_ was on TV. “Of course I know where babies come from, silly.”, was the first thing she said, and he could almost see her eye-roll. “But I can’t tell you, ‘cause it’s a parent-kid thing. You should ask your parents about it. I mean, you know your mom. Her moral compass would never let her lie to anyone, specially to you.”

**—**

So that’s how he had ended up here on the living room floor, questioning his now _very_ terrorized parents about the origins of babies.

“Uhhhhh– what was that again bud?” Jake asked eventually, more to buy Amy some time to snap out of her shock than anything, really.

“Where do babies come from?” The five year old asked again, now with an interrogative eyebrow raise.

“Okay. Cool cool cool. Straight to the point, Victor Santiago style. Making your grandpa very proud. Ames, you wanna tell our son where babies come from?”

Somehow Amy forced herself back to reality, though her mouth still hung slightly open for a while until she finally said something.

“Actually I was kinda hoping you’d want to do that.”

“Oopsies.” Jake said, shooting their son an apologetic look. “Turns out we’re both _unavailable_. Sorry, pal. Guess you’re just gonna have to ask again in a couple years. Anyways, back to the puzzle. Anybody seen John McClane’s nose somewhere?”

But they should know Raphael wouldn’t let it go that easily, because he was Amy Santiago’s son and as such he was every bit as stubborn as she was and even a bit more ( _Jake had to contribute with something, hadn’t he?_ ). The little boy crossed his arms, a pout forming on his lips as he pushed the puzzle pieces away from him so he could have plenty of space to throw a tantrum if he had to ( _again, Peralta genes. Drama king and all that._ ). Amy sighed, familiar enough with her son to know that he wouldn’t let them off the hook until he got an answer that was satisfying enough. I mean, when she told him he was still too young to watch _Die Hard_ he had feigned defeat only to get both her and Jake to lower their defenses so he could single handedly figure out how to put it on Netflix. They only realized what he was up to when he was fifteen minutes into the first movie and Jake recognized the background noises coming from the living room as he left the shower, by which point Amy concluded there was _no_ _way_ she could drag them both away from the TV.

After exchanging a knowing look with her husband as they had one of their silent conversations, she turned to the five year old opening her arms in invitation, and he immediately accepted her embrace as he settled himself on her lap.

“Well honey you see, when two people who love each other _very_ much decide that they want to have a baby...”

“...and they can do it, biologically.” Jake interrupted. “‘Cause like, if they can’t, then they’ll adopt one. Which is just as great and loving as making your own baby. Like uncle Charles and aunt Genevieve with Nikolaj. Or the ladies across the street from your Nana’s with their new kid. But you know what? That’s a _whole_ ‘nother talk.”

Amy nodded before turning her attention back to Raphael. “As I was saying, when two people who can _biologically_ have babies decide that they want one they need to engage in a– uhhhh– Jake?”

Despite his wife’s desperate call for help, Jake wasn’t sure how to say it either. They hadn’t really talked about how to address the– uh, _sex_ topic with Raph yet. Their kid was _five_. They imagined they would have _at least_ a couple more years until it came up.

“Well they engage in a uhhhhh– activity? No scratch that, it’s too vague. Babe, should I look up a Youtube tutorial?”

Amy stared at him as if he had just grown a second head. “On how to make babies?”

“What? No! I _clearly_ know how to make babies!”, he said matter-of-factly, pointing at Raph as if he was evidence enough. Which he was. “I meant on, you know, THE talk.”

“They engage in an _intercourse_?” Raphael suggested innocently, his glances alternating from his mother to his father to see how they reacted to the _no-no word_. Naturally, they were horrified.

“Where did you hear that?!” Amy asked while staring at him in nearly comical shock. Before the little boy could come up with a story that didn’t necessarily incriminate Captain Holt and Kevin, Jake interrupted his line of thought.

“Ames, c’mon. How many robots do you know that would use “intercourse” to refer to, you know, _intercourse_?”

“C3PO?” Raphael tried a last minute save, even though he knew very well who his dad was referring to.

“Oh no, you’re not charming your way out of this, Han Solo.” Amy warned him, but her voice was gentle and she was smiling. “But yeah, you’re right. They engage in an... _intercourse_.”

Jake must have seen the question in their son’s eyes, because he spoke before Raph could say anything. “I know you’re curious and we will tell you _exactly_ what an intercourse is eventually, but having this conversation right now would do you no good, okay?”

For a terrifyingly long minute it seemed that the five year old was going to pressure them again, but then he nodded obediently and seemed content enough with his dad’s promise to discuss intercourses someday. Jake sighed in relief, and Amy did too shortly before returning to her explanation.

“So– when mommy and daddy have an intercourse, they create a... _seed_.”, but she didn’t seem very pleased with her wording, so of course neither was her son.

“A _seed_? That seems biologically incoherent.”

“ _Biologically incoherent_.” Jake repeated with a grin, his chest so full of love for that little _know-it-all_. Raphael was such an Amy and he sure as hell showed it. Only a couple months prior, he had looked Jake dead in the eye and said matter-of-factly: “Don’t be silly, daddy. The Easter bunny is _not_ a thing. Bunnies don’t lay eggs. They’re _mammals_. This whole tradition is a biological disaster.” Honestly, he and Amy had serious worries about how long they could keep Santa Claus a _thing_ , especially since last Christmas when Raph and Nikolaj had assembled an entire stakeout just so they could get actual footage of Santa ( _turns out they did manage to film Scully dressed as Santa while eating a whole bowl of Christmas cookies, but they thought they were filming the real thing so it ended well enough_ ).

“Well, not an actual seed.” Amy corrected herself, snapping Jake back to the present. “It’s just a figure of speech. The thing is actually called a ‘cell’. And it grows, and multiplies, and multiplies, and multiplies...” She pointed every word with a tickle, earning a series of giggles from their baby boy.

“...until it forms a tiny adorbs baby. And then the tiny baby grows into a bigger baby until it’s ready to be born.” Jake added, a huge smile on his face as he rested a hand on top of Amy’s belly even though it hadn’t exactly started to show yet. Raphael’s eyes followed his father’s hand and he eventually pressed his left ear against Amy’s belly too, as if expecting his baby sibling to contribute to the conversation. Though he didn’t really hear anything, he still flashed his parents a satisfied smile before nodding a bit excessively.

“Noice. I think I got it.”

Jake and Amy both released equally relieved sighs. Everything had turned out surprisingly alright, all things considered. Man, that parenting thing was _so_ easy.

“Smort.” Jake ruffled Raph’s hair affectionately before turning to Amy. “I know it’s only been five years, but we’re _totally_ owning this. Parenting is our jam.”

“Right?!” Amy grabbed his hand excitedly. “I mean, I don’t wanna brag or anything but we’re _such_ good parents.”

Jake returned the gesture, staring at his wife and son in complete adoration. “So good right?”

“THE TOITEST!” Raph yelled raising a fist into the air, and Amy felt her heart melt like it always did when he used one of Jake’s mannerisms.

“Well Mister _Toitest-Kid_ , I’m glad you feel that way. If you have any other questions, feel free to ask us. Right Jake?”

Her husband nodded, smiling kindly at his son. “Absolutely.”

At that moment, something changed in Raphael’s expression. Suddenly, despite the fact that he was Amy all over again, he looked exactly like Jake, with that mischievous grin plastered on his face. It made both of his parents freeze and exchange a worried look. That expression _never_ meant any good. And they were absolutely right, of course. There was only one word on Raph’s mind at the moment, something he vaguely remembered Ava whispering to him once after claiming she had heard it from Cagney and Lacey. Neither of them knew what it meant, only that it was a _massive no-no word_ that usually drove the grown-ups _nuts_.

“What’s an orgasm?” He finally asked, feigning an innocent expression.

Jake and Amy gasped in horror.

“Oh, no. Not again!”


End file.
